Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Adult Children of Alcoholics-Why We Seek Validation For Self Outside of ...

What Is Codependency? Am I Codependent? Observing The Mind

If you have found yourself reading this article, then more than likely you are struggling with possibly identifying with issues associated with your perception of what it is to be codependent or what codependency is.

If you are like I was when I first began toying with the idea that maybe 'I had a problem--since I was the common denominator' at the root of all my dysfunctional relationships, I was overwhelmed by the information I found.  What confused me the most was, my parents were not addicts or alcoholics.  I remember thinking, 'Codependency is for people who are in love with drug addicts--or who were raised by drug addicts--and neither my parents nor my spouse at the time drank or did drugs-so how can I possibly be codependent?'

This was my greatest stumbling block, and had I understood what codependency really was I would not have wasted so much time denying that I possibly could actually be codependent.

Okay--enough belly aching about what could have or should have been.  Let's get on with it.


What is Codependency?


Codependency isn't like cancer.  You cannot point at it on a screen, or see it on a lab slide.  Codependency is a dysfunctional perception of the Self that skews all future perceptions of Self in relation to all that is.

Does this sound overwhelming? Well, it is.

What the heck does that mean?

What this means is, how you see Self is damaged.  If you were raised by people who ignored you, lied to you, manipulated you, embarrassed you publicly repeatedly and on purpose, if they guilted or shamed you to get you to do what they wanted you to do, if they programmed you to care more about what they thought about you than what you thought about you, if you were treated poorly in comparison to other siblings, if your parents could not love you unconditionally, if you felt like their love was conditional, if you never ever felt good enough--then your perception of Self is--dysfunctional and ill.

Why is it so important to grasp this concept?

It is important to grasp this concept because unless you understand that the very lens from which you view Self, the world, others, your career, relationships, diet-- and even your health--is cracked, your understanding of codependency will be limited which will impede your ability to embrace a healing modality completely.

What does codependency look and feel like?

Codependency has many faces.  Some of the most wealthy, popular and beautiful people out there are codependent.  Whenever a being relies on validation from the outside in order to feel worthy--they are exemplifying codependency.  The idea that a being is dependent upon something outside of Self for a sense of Self is the issue.

Codependency can show up in what appears to be the best marriages from the outside, where there are no drug issues whatsoever.  Perhaps a woman has married a man because she felt she could not take care of herself and so marriage was the fix to her fear of independency.  She may have become co-dependent upon a man to support her (unconsciously of course).  This co-dependent dynamic shows up in all facets of the relationship.  The wife wonders, 'Will he praise me for this good dinner? Will he acknowledge how nice the house looks?' and so on.  Her unconscious goal will be to feel 'seen' by him and validated externally.

Another deep twist in the above scenario is that the harder the wife pushes to be validated, the further the husband sometimes resists.  A codependent dance ensues.

Below the surface is a man who needs to be needed who settles for being depended upon rather than loved for who he is--and a woman who needs to be dependent upon someone else for her financial security and any sense of self.

There are many facets to this dynamic called codependency, and if you believe you are struggling with any of them, please leave your contact information.

I encourage you to take advantage or my free sample coaching session, no strings attached.

NAMASTE and may you be blessed with clarity today!

Lisa A. Romano
ACoA Life Coach/Mentor





Thursday, July 24, 2014

Lisa A. Romano--On Air Radio Interview About Codependency--The Road Back To Me

Friday, July 18, 2014

Why We Adult Children of Alcoholics Hate Our Selves--and Secretly Believe We Will Never Be Enough

As a Life Coach, Mentor, Consultant but primarily ADVOCATE for adult children of alcoholics, I understand all too well the silent ills that can plague the mind of a being who has been conditioned to believe that the very essence of who they are--is unworthy.

Every single one of us--including YOU the entity reading and translating the little letters on this page was born perfect, worthy and yes dear one--even ENOUGH!

But what happened?

Why have so many of us gone astray?

How is it--if you and I were born worthy--that we can feel so empty and lost on the inside?

Take a deep breath, perhaps grab a cup of tea--and allow your mind to absorb the information you are about to take in.  You may have to read this article and others like it many times over before the wisdom is able to be absorbed by your very tattered mind.  This is not your fault.  Your mind has been programmed to not only reject information about the validity of your soul--but it has been taught to NOT trust the very emotions you feel.

That's alright...you are on a path to self discovery--and in time--if you never give up--you will reach the promised land dear one.

Why Do Adult Children of Alcoholics Hate Themselves?

ACoA's don't have the market cornered on self hate.  Many beings today who have had dry parents hate themselves as well.  If you have been raised by an emotionally manipulative parent--chances are you share the same wounds as any adult child of an alcoholic.

Read On--ALL ARE WELCOME!

The answer to the above question is not very tidy.  In fact its messy as hell!

And the reality is--that is exactly how we feel inside--where no one else can see.  We emotionally neglected beings feel--messy--unkempt--powerless--invalid--broken--and live our lives feeling like fakes or phonies because we know how put together we look from the outside.  On some intuitive level we are well aware that we are not being authentic, and to make matters worse--we hate ourselves for feeling disingenuous too!

We ACoA's can't seem to catch a break and the harder we try--the worse it seems to get.

And this is part of WHY we ACoA's hate our Selves.  We realize that the harder we try to please everybody else--the worse we feel--and the more complicated our worlds become.

Let's break it down;

We ACoA's and emotionally manipulated children of unaware caretakers hate self because no one ever took the time to tell us we were good enough.

Children absolutely NEED to be told by others from the outside that they are 'good' 'good enough' and when a child does not receive that 'input or data' the child's brain (computer) does not contain the data the inner being needs to form a solid sense of Self.  Without being told, or without 'feeling' accepted, validated, and unconditionally loved by others--and especially by mother and father--the child does not have the data he/she requires to love Self.

What Happens When A Child Does Not Receive the Message (data) From Parents That He/She Is Enough?

Children think in black and white, so if little Tommy never received the data from mom and dad that impressed him with the idea that HE as a being (as a Self) is good--then he will sadly presume he is bad.  And because ALL children are feeling beings--the impressions felt by little Tommy--will imprint his very absorbable and learning brain with the unconscious belief that HE as a being is not enough. This unconscious 'hunch, feeling, sense' is the fragile foundation upon all future life decisions.

From the above standpoint it is not so difficult to comprehend why so many adult ACoA's struggle with depression, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed.

It is like we live with a ghost in our soul that causes us to fear everything--even our own natural impulses.

It makes for quite a difficult and lonely existence.

The Upside

Yes dear ones there is an upside to being raised by emotionally manipulative people.  Because you have been so disregarded, you have a great desire for love! Your desire for love and acceptance is far greater than a being who has always felt loved, and while this may sound a bit Suzy Sunshine-ish--it's true.

My experiences as a child impressed me with a lot more than feelings of unworthiness.  My experiences also impressed me with a tremendous desire to help others learn how to rewire their brains so that they can live more emotionally free lives.  Because of my experiences I am who I am, helping other struggling emotionally wounded adult children from all over the world.

Yes, I was born an underdog--but there is great, great glory whenever I am able to help another underdog learn how to heal the past--make peace with the present--and yet--become hopeful about tomorrow.

You are all loved--and of course--LOVABLE  even if no one ever told you that!

Namaste...

Lisa




Monday, July 14, 2014

Adult Child of Alcoholic--Breaking The Cycle--The Warrior's Path

So many of us adult children of alcoholics are wounded in places that most people will never understand.  If you are a being who grew up knowing they were loved--you more than likely could never understand the depths of self doubt we adult children who have been tainted by others alcoholism suffer silently, day in and yes--day out.

When your parent is an alcoholic, drug addict, narcissist, or emotional manipulator of some kind--their main agenda is get their own needs met. YOU as their child--on a heart level--do not feel validated.  Instead, you feel wrong, ill, inept, tainted, unworthy,  broken, and in the way.



Children are born seeking outside of themselves for love, acceptance and validation; which is why when a mother gives birth to a child--the tiny little being does not jump off of the delivery table and begin walking down the hospital hall and out into the world on its own.  No--we human beings come into this time space reality needing--and wait for it--DESERVING of love.

Under healthy circumstances a newborn is birthed to two beings who are emotionally stable enough to grasp hold of the idea that their child is divine, and absolutely deserving of mother and fathers acceptance, validation, nurturing, and love.  But all too often in our world today, parents are caught up in their own dramas and are unable to infuse their children with the very much needed and natural desire a child has to feel 'seen' by them.

In the case of adult children of alcoholics--many of us grew up feeling completely disconnected from our parents and sadly our siblings as well.  The lack of respect for others needs as well as emotional and  psychological well being--set an abrasive tone in the home--which infected all who lived there.  And although many of us grew up in homes that 'looked' perfect from the outside--we who lived in the homes infested by the webs of alcoholism--on a heart level felt anything but perfect.

For those of us who are aware enough to comprehend the depths of our wounds--who are now seeking some kind of recovery--may feel overwhelmed by the task at hand.  We wonder if we will ever be happy, content or fulfilled.  And while all of these concerns are valid and have causes--the truth is--in spite of how we feel about Self today--we are worthy--even if we never learn to embrace that idea.

You see--even though we may never get to that place of complete comfortability--in reality--we are worthy and always were.  Just because we were born to people who were not as emotionally mature as we needed them to be--does not mean--we are not worthy. Just because our parents were unable to give us the love and acceptance we deserved--does not mean we are not enough...

To all of you who are brave enough to face the silly old ghosts--that have ever caused you to doubt your worth as a human being--I honor YOU!

This recovery process is all part of the bigger picture--that is--the evolution of consciousness....

If you are courageous enough to figure this all out--you my friend...are on a Warrior's Path--and as you evolve consciously--you help us all expand in ways unseen...

Thank you--and you are loved!

Namaste...

Lisa


Saturday, July 5, 2014

Adult Children of Alcoholics--Healing Our Codependent Relationship With God

On the road of my recovery there have been many mind bending obstacles I have had to learn to intellectually as well as emotionally conquer.  Because healing codependency created through the programming my once blank slate of a mind once was as a child--as an adult--I had no way of truly grasping the fact that the thoughts and emotions I was reacting to as an adult--were dysfunctional.

When you are the pattern--you don't know you are the pattern.  The ideas you had on Monday, are the same ideas you have on Tuesday--and on, and on, and on they go.  As adults we ACoA's as well as all other adults born to dysfunctional parents--do not know that the ideas we have been fed, have infested our once innocent fertile minds with bullshit!  No, because we have been taught to fear our emotions, we ignore our gut instincts, and often times become paralyzed emotionally because we are so terrified of unknowns.


As adults we become super sensitive and hyper vigilant because those of us who were bigger and stronger than us--treated us like we were insignificant--and because we knew we were little--we believed them.  All children believe what their parents tell them--either in words--or through stares--or through what they don't say.




I was never told I was ugly--but I was never told I was beautiful either.

I was never told not to feel--but I was shamed when I cried.

I was never told I had no right to be happy--but both my parents glared at me when I laughed too loud and thought nothing of embarrassing me in public.

Perhaps the biggest crock of crap we ACoA's and adults of dysfunctional parents have been sold is the idea that God is out there in the sky somewhere watching us, taking notes, and writing everything that we do or think down on a really long legal pad.  We have been told that we are sinners, and that one day we shall have to pay for our sins, as if being born to caretakers who stomp on our brains isn't enough.

Really???

On the road back to me, I finally came to understand that like my parents who used guilt and shame against me, so did my religion.  My religion--like so many others--programs their followers to believe that our worth is NOT a given, and that people need to prove themselves worthy of God.



Holy Hannah--what a bunch of nonsense.

The absolute reality is--I, LIKE YOU-- CAME TO THIS PLACE CALLED EARTH A WORTHY BEING--AND GOD IS NOT OUT THERE SOMEWHERE--GOD IS IN ME AND YOU--GOD IS YOU--DNA IS PROOF.

DNA is our genetic stuff--and we are physical manifestations of creation--created through the DNA.  Essentially we create ourselves.  Our DNA creates us--our perceptions create our manifested realities--but either way--we create ourselves--therefore--we are God incarnate (creating our own lives through the divine ability to create genetically as well as materially).

Did I lose any of you??? 

Okay, okay, I won't get all quantum on you, but please listen up!

The biggest lie we have been sold as a people--is that God is out there somewhere--and that others more powerful than we are--are closer to God than we could ever be.

Why would this idea be infused into the masses?

This idea is infused into our society for the same reasons a mother or father uses shame or guilt or fear as a means to control their children.  Parents use fear of rejection against their children all the time--infusing them with the idea--that if they don't do what mommy and daddy want them to do--then mommy and daddy won't love them anymore.

Imagine the child of parents who never used guilt as a means to control them.

Imagine the child who from birth felt unconditionally loved and as if their worth was a given.

Imagine the kind of human being that child would be as an adult.

This being would be kind, gentle, loving, understanding, and non judgmental.

In society this being would be one who held others responsible, because he/she understood the peace that comes when he/she respects his/her own boundaries as well as the boundaries of others.

This being would not need Zanex to get through a day, gamble, drink, do drugs, overeat, or harm others.

This being would question authority--especially if the rules imposed were irrational--and unfair.

This being would not be manipulated by advertisements or lyrics to songs.

This being would be happy, content, and live life naturally being kind to others.


What kind of society would we have if the members of that society could not be controlled with fear and who were ruled only by the desire to be kind to self and to others?

What would happen if people began to understand they don't need to buy that house--or that car--or look that way in order to be worthy?

What would happen if people no longer needed to seek God in churches, temples and mosques, and instead truly began to understand that God is wherever they are--and in all that is?

What kind of society could we create if beings went to churches, synagogues and mosques because they wanted to be in the company of others who too understood that each being present is another manifestation of God in human form, and instead of fearing NOT going to commune with others for fear of being rejected by God--he/she communed because communion brought about appreciation for all that is--and for all who are?

What would happen if men and women understood they are one in the same?

What would happen if the caucasian, black, hispanic, asian, and alike--understood that they too were one in the same?




FEAR

Without fear, the masses cannot be controlled by the few at the top.

The few at the top--need the masses.

Hate is a business--and fear is the fuel.

There are profits to be made by creating illusions the masses are powerless to avoid completely.

If the media can manipulate the masses ideas of beauty--and at same time--insidiously suggest that unless a woman or young girl fits this unattainable image projected--she is unworthy--then it all but guarantees society has successfully created a self loathing consumer who will either generate profit through psychiatric medications, or beauty products, or through diet pills, or through plastic surgery, or through DWI's which lines the pockets of lawyers, judges, and alike--or all of the mentioned forms of cash revenue.


THE SCRAMBLING OF THE CHILD'S MIND



It has taken me decades to understand that the odds were stacked against me (and of course you) from the moment of conception.

We were born to consume and thus become producers; producers of revenue.

Our parents unknowingly infused us with fear because they never learned to love themselves.

Our schools are breeding grounds for competition which is fear based, and so we fear even going to school and not performing as well as other children.

Peer pressure fueled by the media, (children are injected with the notion that they should all look, and act a certain way to be accepted) adds to our feelings of unworthiness.

Most of our religions brainwash us into thinking we were all born unworthy and that we have to do this thing or that thing in order to go to heaven.

Is it any wonder so many of us are so screwed up?



HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR GOD SELF

If I could wave a magic wand and erase all the nonsense you and I have been brainwashed and programmed to believe about our unworthiness--I would--but I can't.

What I can do is keep learning and sharing with others that which I have learned in as many platforms as possible so to expand your awareness of Self--and thus help you totally heal your life.

NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE HAS EVER TOLD YOU God is NOT out there somewhere.  God is in you--you and God are one.


And the only reason you have ever done anything unkind, or not so nice--is because somewhere along your life's path someone you trusted, taught you to believe in fear.







When you are healed--you no longer fear anything--not even death--because you finally understand, 
I AM THAT, I AM--even if you, and you, and you--don't understand that yet.

Namaste...You ARE LOVED!

Lisa


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Adult Children of Alcoholics--LOVE THY SELF

This post is dedicated to Vladmir, a loyal reader and ACoA in Russia;


Yes Vladimir, it is up to our parents to love us unconditionally so that we the innocent beings are able to integrate mind, body and soul--but when we are born to people who are unaware they themselves have a self--and instead are reactive--there is no way they will ever be able to instill in us the secure sense of self we need to mature emotionally.



Unfortunately we the children of the self absorbed--FEEL rejected--and presume that the reason we are being unseen--is because WE are ill--or wrong--or inept....

They only secret ever--is YOU....

In reality--we do not need our parents to love us unconditionally--not really--because we are ENOUGH--at our core--even if no one ever validates us...Each of us--is a seed--of God--we are all One...not only with all that is--but with mankind...We are all brothers and sisters--its just--that some of us--know that--some of us don't--some of us want to know our truth--and some of us don't--some of us really really care about discovering the secrets to life--and some of us don't...

This is a free will zone--so that means--every individual has the right to live their life as they choose--even if what they choose does not serve their higher good--or their children's higher good...it is sad--but true.

My goal?

To understand that no matter what messages I internalized as a child--I AM ENOUGH DAMN IT! AND I ALWAYS WAS--AND THAT IN SPITE OF HOW IN DENIAL MY PARENTS ARE--I CHOOSE LOVE--LOVE--LOVE--LOVE...I CHOOSE TO LOVE ME--MY CHILDREN--MY HUSBAND--THE GRASS--THE SKY--THE CLOUDS--THE OCEANS--STRANGERS--GOOD AND BAD--ADVERSITY--JOY--DEFEAT--TRIUMPH--I CHOOSE TO LOVE IT ALL...

And I hope I have inspired you to do the same...

Love cures ALL...but but but--all Love starts with Self Love...

Namaste Vladmir--thank you for showing your appreciation for my work...

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependents--How To Awaken To The True Self--Books on Codependency

While the term 'codependency' may be clouded with misunderstandings, it is quite an epidemic.  In fact, it is a worldwide epidemic, although rarely does the common man stop to ponder such deep thinking thoughts.

By common man, I am referring to those amongst us who have forgotten or perhaps have never learned to think.

Codependency is a programmed condition that is rooted in the very fibers of the blueprint that becomes a beings subconscious belief system.

Why is this important to pick apart and totally understand?

Because if you do not know your Self--you are no more than a walking, breathing zombie.  That's right, a zombie.

Before I began my recovery journey I often said, "I feel like a shell." I didn't feel real, but I didn't know why.

I believe that the disconnect between my psychological mind, which was founded on my subconscious belief systems and the most natural facet of me; my spirit/soul/self was the reason I did not feel whole.

In fact, I wasn't whole.  I was a fragmented mess, focused only on others.

As the child of two adult children of alcoholics, I had been conditioned through my parents neurosis to believe I was not enough, and that my worth as a human being hinged on what other people thought about me.

So ingrained were the ideas that who I was--depended on whether or not I could somehow manipulate a sense of worthiness in the eyes of another--that I lost three decades of my life splintered off from the essence of me--my divine Self.






HOW TO BEGIN HEALING YOUR CODEPENDENT MIND

Know this--YOU ARE NOT CRAZY--AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Not only have most of us been conditioned to worry more about what our parents think about us than we do about ourselves, but we have been born into a society that bombards us with images, data, magazine ads, newspapers and television advertisement that in covert as well as overt ways implies that the only way a human being can be happy is if he or she looks like the collection of pixels someone out there has determined we should.

We are being force fed bullshit, and most of us are so unaware of what is going on in our subconscious plane, that we mindlessly buy the products we are subliminally urged to buy, and slowly reinforce the negative and destructive unconscious thread in our head that loops in the foreground of our so called thinking mind, that we are not enough as we are.

To begin healing your codependent mind, you must turn away from those who do not support you--and whose agenda it is to have power over you-so to feed their need to stay in control over others emotions, and sometimes physicality.

As you begin to create emotional distance between your mind and others--it is necessary to then turn within and begin seeing Self for the divinity it truly is.






THE HIDDEN SECRET OF ALL TIMES

The hidden secret of all times--is YOU.

God--spirit--source--creator--the label matters not.

What matters is the knowing that whatever created the sun, moon, stars, planets, and galaxies--created YOU.

The creator of all that is--is YOUR DNA.


THE SYMBOLISM OF THE CROSS

DNA is comprised of chromosomes represented by an X.

Yes, Jesus on the cross represents a human beings ability to be a creator through the power of his/her DNA which is represented by a cross.  An X is essentially shaped as a cross.

The real hidden secret is--that you--at your core truly are created in the image and the likeness of creator, and your true power resides in your ability to love Self--because the vibration of love--transmits as a wave--at a quantum level--through the atomic activity held within the atoms (Adams) of your DNA.

The very core of you is Light dear ones--and all the materialism--drugs--superficiality--the beauty industry and music industry--were designed to keep this truth from you--so to create consumers who mindlessly fuel the cash cows at the top of our economic food chain.

LOVE LOVE LOVE TO YOU ALL....

Namaste--I SEE YOU!

Lisa





Monday, June 30, 2014

Codependency--Brainwashing of The Masses

If you are codependent--it is possible to awaken.

You and I have been brainwashed--into believing--we are NOT enough.

Why?

Because people who are asleep--cannot say 'no'.

They do not even know they can say 'no'.

Think about it!



Namaste...