Saturday, August 30, 2014

Adult Child of Alcoholic--Learning To Heal Our Anxiety




If you are the adult child of an alcoholic, there is no doubt you have suffered trauma in your life.  More than likely you may even be suffering from some form of post traumatic stress disorder.  When events occur in the Now, that remind you of a traumatic event from your past, it is all too easy to be pulled back into a negative spiral.

Perhaps before your father beat your mother, he would have a glass of Scotch on the rocks.  Today you might tense up every time you hear ice cubes clang against the sides of a glass.  You might feel anxious every time you are at dinner and you hear someone order Scotch on the rocks.  And if you are experiencing any signs of angst under these circumstances, relax; you're normal.

That's right dear one...YOU ARE NORMAL!

In fact, your response is absolutely appropriate given your unique circumstances.

Your brain is so highly sophisticated that it has the ability to recall all circumstances, sounds and etc, that occur before a traumatic event occurs.

If you have been unfortunate enough to live with a violent alcoholic, there are certain cues your brain absolutely had you look out for on a fairly consistent level.

Why you ask? Why would your brain innately cause you to be hyper-vigilant--and cause you to lose yourself and instead focus on the outside of you, and have you feeling like the rug was going to be pulled out from beneath you every moment of every day?

Because your divine self--did not fear its inner world, but your being knew you needed to pay attention to the outside--because an attack could occur at any time.

Yes dear one--your hyper-vigilant way of being--served you then, and you were NOT crazy for feeling like your world could fall apart at any moment--because it quite possibly could have.

KUDOS TO YOU DEAR ONE!

So what do we do now when as adults we wish to turn that volume knob down?

What do we do now, to help us NOT feel so on guard all the time?

Well, there are many things we can do today to help us manage our over sensitivity to our environments.  One of those things is coaching with a mentor.  We can also go to 12 step meetings, journal our reactions as well as over reactions, and incorporate meditation into our daily routines.

One of the most helpful tools I have used on my road to recovery is cognitive reframing.

What's cognitive reframing you ask?

It is a deliberate and conscious process by which  trauma survivors learn to reframe and or restructure the way they see their pasts and selves.

For instance, if I know that my heart starts to beat fast every time I hear ice hit the sides of a glass, I could in that moment harness my anxiety, bless it for helping me tap into my flight or fight responses when I was a child, and then within my own mind, talk myself off the ledge with thoughts like,

"Okay I can feel my heart beginning to beat fast. Oh yes, I know why.  I just heard ice hit that mans glass over there. Yep, that's the sound I used to hear right before daddy got explosive.  Of course my brain is being triggered, because it is designed to help me stay aware and to help me avoid being harmed.  I remember now.  I am not six years old anymore and daddy isn't lurking down the hallway of  our house waiting to take his rage out on me or my mom anymore.  I can stop in this moment and remember to love my little child Self--and help my brain let go of its need to help me stay on guard anymore.  This is one trigger response I am willing to release."




Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Self Help For The Adult Child of Alcoholic--The Journey Back To Self 08/26 by Lisa A Romano Life Coach | Self Help Podcasts

Self Help For The Adult Child of Alcoholic--The Journey Back To Self 08/26 by Lisa A Romano Life Coach | Self Help Podcasts

Monday, August 25, 2014

Adult Child of Alcoholic--The Guilt That Shows Up When We Wake Up

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Adult Child of Alcoholic--You're Right To Be Pissed Off--I Hear YOU!

Dear Adult Child of an Alcoholic,

Come sit beside me and rest your weary heart.

Gather all of your brothers and sisters who have had their tender hearts beaten by the earth beings who were intended to support your growth spiritually, intellectually and physically.

Open your hearts dear one and heed the vibrations of these words.  Allow, allow, allow them to penetrate through the deep layers of scars that have left you feeling separate and alien even unto your own Self.

I know, I know, I know how hard your life has been.

I know, I know, I know how often you have tried to please them.

I know, I know, I know how good you are inside.  I see it, I feel it--you dear one are a tired soul.

You could have never known that the people who were supposed to nurture you--were ill themselves--and detached from their own divine magnificence.

It is not your fault that the beings who were supposed to adore you, shelter you, protect you, and feed your soul were beings who were starved themselves.

It is not your fault that these earth beings could not find their way, refused help, or have not allowed the great spirit of healing to infiltrate their mind, bodies or souls.

No dear one, you are innocent.

You are tired. I can feel that.

You are bewildered.  I can feel that too.

You have tried to follow the rules no matter how arduous a task, but to no avail.

You have minimized your Self--kept your Self small--and done your best to gain the approval of others--and yet--they still judge you--criticize you--and push you away.

Dear One it is you they believe is crazy.

Breathe Dear One--Breathe...

Breathe is all you need.  Breathe is you.

Breathe Dear One and as you do allow the spirit of these words to penetrate the scars of bondage that have held you prisoner for so long.

Release the shame Dear One--you were always enough--even though others tried to manipulate you into believing you were not.

Release the guilt Dear One--it is not your fault your family home was chaotic and drizzled in craziness.

Release the worry Dear One--you are only responsible for your walk--your life--your happiness and your joy.

Dear One--you have felt judged--and you are right to feel this way--because you have been judged.

You have been judged by those who were intended to lift you up--put you first--and by those whose divine responsibility it was to encourage you on your unique path.

You are angry and that is good.

Anger will allow you to claim your right to feel victimized by the beings who abused you emotionally, physically or sexually.

Anger will allow you to detach from any need you have to stay in the same vibrational plane as those who have harmed you.

Anger will allow you to stay in your sandbox while the others who are still asleep stay in theirs.

Anger will allow you to shore yourself up against anyone who cannot SEE you--or HEAR you--or FEEL you.

And I am sorry Dear One--if those others are people you love.

Your first line of order--is to love you above all others.

Sound selfish?

Well it is--in the most divine sense.

Yes Dear One--love you--above all others.

Forgive Self--before you forgive others.

Forgive your tiny being for not being able to please the impossible to please.

Forgive your tiny being for lashing out when frustrated.

Forgive your tiny being for not loving the Self.

Forgive your tiny being for allowing others to harm you.

Forgive your tiny being for begging to be loved, accepted, and validate.

Yes Dear One...Forgive You--before you try to forgive anyone else.

Dear One--Love Self Before All Others--for only then--will any Love you offer be of any value.

In time--as your heart heals and then regenerates--you will be able to forgive others.

Yes Dear One, pull away if you must.

There is much emotional healing that must take place.  Healing is much more rapid when you protect your open flesh from carnivores.

Yes Dear One--the asleep in your life will be angered by your new found skin.

They will see your new cloak and judge you for rising above.

They will criticize your aura.

They will condemn your new mind.

But know Dear One--it is not your job to convince them of your worth.

Dear One--REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!

You are made of the same 'stuff' that makes up the stars and the moon.

You are made of the same 'stuff' that makes up the skies and the oceans.

You are made of the same 'stuff' that exists in all atmospheres--in every universe.

You are made of the same 'stuff' that exists in peacocks, tigers, and orca whales.

Dear One--Rise above it all...Elevate your consciousness--you were not meant to exist on your belly.

Dear One--you were created to FLY!

Your mind--is a thing--no one can bond--unless YOU give others rights over what You think about SELF.

Embrace your GOD SELF DEAR ONE AND FLY!

I love you all...

Lisa A. Romano




Sunday, August 17, 2014

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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Adult Child of Alcoholic--YOUR BILL OF RIGHTS

This information was taken from an amazing source called Realistic Recovery.

I am not sure who the copyright owner of this Bill of Rights is--but I am going ahead and reposting it anyway to help encourage all of my readers out there--to OWN YOUR RIGHT to BE WHO YOU ARE--THE MAGNIFICENT SELF THAT YOU ARE!


Embrace--Change--Live--Free--Be--Thee!






Adult Children of Alcoholics – YOUR Bill of Rights

1. I have a right to all those good times that I have
longed for all these years and didn’t get.

2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a
momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.

3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive
 way.

4. I have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help
 me in achieving a good life.

5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not
 ready.

6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making”
 behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.

7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.

8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.

9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint
 myself, and to fall short of the mark.

10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or
 inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me,
 including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of
 my family.

11. I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me
 feel put down and humiliated.

12. I have a right to all my feelings.

13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.

14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually
 mentally, physically, and psychologically.

15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a
 safe time and place.

16. I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new
 information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.

17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take
 the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.

18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will
 deviate in part, or all, from my parents’ prescribed philosophy of life.

19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.

20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I
 want to, and not wait until my alcoholic parent gets well, gets happy, seeks
 help, or admits there is a problem.


Adult Child of Alcoholic--The Invisibly Wounded--The Psychologically Tortured and Forgotten


To ALL Adult Children Everywhere--I bless you--I honor you--I feel you--I hear you!

Your road is a lonely one.

The abuse you have tolerated in the dark moments of your life--have left scars that are invisible to the physical eye--yet you are scarred--bruised and battered nonetheless.

Born to beings who were supposed to nurture you--adore you--and support you--instead--you have been brainwashed, manipulated, beaten, criticized, shamed, guilted, humiliated, and worse--DENIED the right to feel or own any of the suffering that was created while being abused...WTF?

Forced to live in a state of disassociation--as a means to simply survive horrific childhood experiences--adult children of alcoholics are beaten in one moment--and then expected to 'act as if' the beating never occurred.

Adding maggots to the equation--adult children are often manipulated to live their lives not only denying their personal suffering--but they too--are forced to 'act as if' mom and dad are the most wonderful parents that ever lived.

Adult children are expected to put up with abuse, eat the abuse, sleep in the abuse, deny the abuse, and to act as if--all is well--for the sake of how others might see the abusers.

Narcissists rape their innocent children in one room--send them out to play with a warning to keep their mouths shut--interrogate them when they come back from the playground--insult them at the dinner table--criticize the way they walk, talk, eat, and breath--then demand that their children understand how lucky they are to have a parent who puts a roof over their head, puts food on the table, and puts up with their s**t.

Sound harsh?  Well it is...

To all Adult Children everywhere--your perceptions mattered then--and they matter now...just don't get stuck in the process of awakening to your right to feel...Keep pushing through...Keep digging...Keep honoring the Self...and in time...your boundaries will emerge--your ability to tolerate others walking away--and your desire to live life honoring the Self that you truly are--will be your guiding light...

I absolutely HONOR YOU!

Lisa 









Saturday, August 9, 2014

Healing The Adult Child of an Alcoholic--Leaving the ACoA Label Behind--Tapping Into The Warrior SELF

If you were raised by an alcoholic, then you were failed.

YOU DID NOT FAIL; your alcoholic failed you.

If your father was an alcoholic--and your mother enabled him--and taught you to tone yourself down for the sake of NOT rocking the boat--then YOU were denied the connection to Warrior Self you deserved.

It must be understood and accepted by the conscious and unconscious mind.  To read these above statements and to just contemplate them for one second or two--will not be enough to counter the millions of imprinted pieces of negative data that have been inputed into your subconscious mind since your birth--and quite possibly--while even in utero.

If you are the adult child of an alcoholic--you have quite literally been programmed to think in self defeating ways.

How?

What you observe in childhood good or bad, healthy or not gets imprinted upon a child's innocent, and 'in the state of learning' blank brain.

Whatever the child experiences in childhood--and especially whatever messages and values a child learns to believe about Self--will absolutely become the cornerstone of that child's future life experiences.

THE WARRIOR SELF

Thank heaven--literally thank heaven--that the true designers of Life are not our earlthy mother and fathers.

Thank heaven--source--creator--God--(call the maker of all that is whatever you like--it matters nothing to me) for his/her designing into our genetic make-up the ability to BECOME AN OBSERVER OF OUR OWN DYSFUNCTIONAL THOUGHTS/BELIEF SYSTEMS.

What does that mean?

This means that genetically coded into each living breathing human being--is the ability to conquer ANYTHING--through the power of our FREE WILL and through the miraculous ability of our HUMAN IMAGINATION.

Our human imagination--allows us to form abstract ideas about Self--and it is through the Pineal Gland--the creative center of our brain--that we are able to OBJECTIFY our experiences.

Why is this important?

It is important to know this--because once learned--a being then begins to understand he/she does NOT have to REACT to everything that gets said or that happens around him/her.

Why is this important?

It is important to contemplate and absorb because alcoholics, addicts, and ACoA's as well as grandchildren of alcoholics (GCoA's) are so wounded--and filled with dense, dank emotional energy--that they are too busy sometimes deflecting pain--and attracting like pain--to ever create the mental detachment--and thus experience enough mental space to be able to objectify ones own negative thought processes.


Namaste....

WE ARE ENOUGH!

Lisa 





Interested in learning more?

Consider coaching and or mentoring with Lisa A. Romano.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Adult Children of Alcoholics-Why We Seek Validation For Self Outside of ...

What Is Codependency? Am I Codependent? Observing The Mind

If you have found yourself reading this article, then more than likely you are struggling with possibly identifying with issues associated with your perception of what it is to be codependent or what codependency is.

If you are like I was when I first began toying with the idea that maybe 'I had a problem--since I was the common denominator' at the root of all my dysfunctional relationships, I was overwhelmed by the information I found.  What confused me the most was, my parents were not addicts or alcoholics.  I remember thinking, 'Codependency is for people who are in love with drug addicts--or who were raised by drug addicts--and neither my parents nor my spouse at the time drank or did drugs-so how can I possibly be codependent?'

This was my greatest stumbling block, and had I understood what codependency really was I would not have wasted so much time denying that I possibly could actually be codependent.

Okay--enough belly aching about what could have or should have been.  Let's get on with it.


What is Codependency?


Codependency isn't like cancer.  You cannot point at it on a screen, or see it on a lab slide.  Codependency is a dysfunctional perception of the Self that skews all future perceptions of Self in relation to all that is.

Does this sound overwhelming? Well, it is.

What the heck does that mean?

What this means is, how you see Self is damaged.  If you were raised by people who ignored you, lied to you, manipulated you, embarrassed you publicly repeatedly and on purpose, if they guilted or shamed you to get you to do what they wanted you to do, if they programmed you to care more about what they thought about you than what you thought about you, if you were treated poorly in comparison to other siblings, if your parents could not love you unconditionally, if you felt like their love was conditional, if you never ever felt good enough--then your perception of Self is--dysfunctional and ill.

Why is it so important to grasp this concept?

It is important to grasp this concept because unless you understand that the very lens from which you view Self, the world, others, your career, relationships, diet-- and even your health--is cracked, your understanding of codependency will be limited which will impede your ability to embrace a healing modality completely.

What does codependency look and feel like?

Codependency has many faces.  Some of the most wealthy, popular and beautiful people out there are codependent.  Whenever a being relies on validation from the outside in order to feel worthy--they are exemplifying codependency.  The idea that a being is dependent upon something outside of Self for a sense of Self is the issue.

Codependency can show up in what appears to be the best marriages from the outside, where there are no drug issues whatsoever.  Perhaps a woman has married a man because she felt she could not take care of herself and so marriage was the fix to her fear of independency.  She may have become co-dependent upon a man to support her (unconsciously of course).  This co-dependent dynamic shows up in all facets of the relationship.  The wife wonders, 'Will he praise me for this good dinner? Will he acknowledge how nice the house looks?' and so on.  Her unconscious goal will be to feel 'seen' by him and validated externally.

Another deep twist in the above scenario is that the harder the wife pushes to be validated, the further the husband sometimes resists.  A codependent dance ensues.

Below the surface is a man who needs to be needed who settles for being depended upon rather than loved for who he is--and a woman who needs to be dependent upon someone else for her financial security and any sense of self.

There are many facets to this dynamic called codependency, and if you believe you are struggling with any of them, please leave your contact information.

I encourage you to take advantage or my free sample coaching session, no strings attached.

NAMASTE and may you be blessed with clarity today!

Lisa A. Romano
ACoA Life Coach/Mentor